I haven’t posted for a while because I’ve been having a horrible week. Horrible in regards to food. I’ve been eating salty things and sweet things and just too much of regular meals. And the frustrating thing is I don’t even know what the trigger is. During that horrible hormonal week of the month I know that’s what the trigger is. But this past week I can’t think of what could have caused me to binge right and left and then binge some more.
It’s right there in the name we give ourselves: compulsive overeater. At OA meetings you say hi my name is _____, I am a compulsive overeater. And as you might surmise compulsive overeaters tend to be a bit obsessed with food. And also perfectionism.
That’s probably true of most people who are obsessive about something. For me it applies to everything in my life. Even though I try to convince myself otherwise, I have this need to do something perfectly or I don’t do it at all.
For the sake of this blog I will stick to focusing on what’s related to my food issues. On the one side there’s my desire for my body to be perfect. On the other side there is my avoidance of emotional issues through eating.
And then there’s the sticky wicket of my emotional issues about my imperfect body. I get upset with myself for my horrible eating which then triggers my emotional eating. Based on discussions at my local OA meeting this seems to be true for most of us compulsive overeaters.
I don’t know what to do about this. All I can do right now is ask my Higher Power for help, keep going to meetings, and be honest with myself.
My one big step this week is that I asked someone to be my sponsor. That’s a very scary thing for me because I will have to be vulnerable to another person. But at least it’s a step in the right direction.
I was doing good yesterday with my food. I had planned out my meals the night before and I was sticking to my plan. Then my co worker invited me to come to her house for dinner with her partner and her. (Is that too many pronouns in one sentence?)
I lost control of my carefully planned day. At dinner I ate everything put in front of me. It felt like a special occasion. And in my mind special occasion means eat whatever you want. It’s like I had no filter once I entered their house.
This has happened to me over and over and over again. I can’t seem to cope with any changes to my food plan without going completely off the reservation.
In hindsight I can admit I didn’t ask my Higher Power for help. Nor did I reach out to one of my Overeaters Anonymous phone buddies. To me that says I really didn’t want to stop myself from overeating. I wanted the excuse to just enjoy the food instead of “being healthy.”
How do you deal with “special occasions” and food?
I did pretty well this weekend with my eating. I didn’t have any of my trigger foods and I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables. Of course you can overeat on anything healthy or not. And I had a little bit of that going on last night with some carrots and hummus.
I love hummus! There are days where I think I could eat it like soup. And I love crunchy things I can really sink my teeth into. So carrots and hummus is like the perfect food for me. And a perfect opportunity to overeat. So I’ve gotta keep an eye on that but otherwise it was a great weekend food-wise.
I’m wondering if other overeaters or food addicts find themselves binging on a healthy foods. Do you find that you’re not so worried about it? Or you do you get concerned no matter what you are binging on?
Yesterday was my second day without soda (well except for the one in the morning). I felt amazingly well! So good that I started wondering why I didn’t try to get off soda sooner. I started criticizing myself as I often do. Then I remembered I’m trying to live in the present these days … trying to stay in “the now.”
After an hour two of feeling really good I started to feel anxious. Nervous about feeling good and not being tired or feeling sluggish. I had the feeling of impending doom like I was waiting for something to go wrong. I’ve had the same reaction in the past when I’ve done something that has made me feel better. And I usually end up sabotaging myself and going back to what’s comfortable, what I’m used to, even if that normal is a really crappy normal.
That’s pretty messed up.
I don’t wanna do that again. But I don’t know how to make sure that I don’t do that again. I am aware of it but I was also aware of it in the past. Maybe this time I’m at a point where I can just sit with my anxiety. I want to stop scrambling back to the safety of the known. I want to be brave enough to take on the unknown.
Keep your fingers crossed – mine are!
I made a deal with myself last night that I would start having only one soda per day. So this morning at 6am I had my one soda. And ever since then all I can think about is soda soda soda soda soda.
How did I ever manage to convince myself that I wasn’t addicted to soda?? It’s so obvious to me now I can’t believe I lived in denial for so long!
So today there’s going to be a lot of prayer to the higher power so I can make it through to tomorrow.
“ONE DAY AT A TIME!”
I signed up for this blog a while ago and honestly wasn’t really sure what to write. After thinking about it for a while I decided to just use it as a stream of consciousness diary of sorts. Most likely I will be the only one reading it anyway so I might as well put what I want!
Today I’ve been thinking about my resistance to giving up soda. I told a coworker the other day that I would give up almost anything except my soda. After the OA meeting last night it made me realize that if I am unwilling to give it up then it is probably the food/drink item that I am the most addicted to. Kind of a “well duh” moment.
So where do I get the willingness from to quit the soda thats probably killing me? I need to ask my Higher Power for help on this issue but so far I haven’t been willing to do that.